Rethinking My Goal Weight

When I first met my personal trainer last October, he weighed me and did a body fat analysis. I don't remember the exact results off hand, but I do recall that I commented that, after reading a whole slew of "ideal weight" articles, I'd come up with 150 pounds as a reasonable goal weight for someone who is 5'6" tall. My build is pretty large, and 150 is a good stone heavier than any of the target weights the internet came up with.

Anyway, I told my trainer my goal weight and he said that with my body fat percentage and body type, it wasn't likely, but I could certainly get to the point where I look like I weigh 150. So yesterday during our regular session I asked him what would be a reasonable weight goal, and he suggested 180 pounds.

I'm sticking with 150 as my goal weight here for the time being, but his assessment did help me feel a little bit more patient with the process. My thighs and butt will always be relatively large, especially since they're already almost all muscle as it is. But I'm looking forward to a smaller belly. I miss my hourglass figure. :)

Random note: according to the internets, I can achieve "extreme fat loss" at 1800 calories per day. On Nutrisystem I've been eating around 1400 calories per day, but except for today I haven't been too terribly hungry. (This evening I was effing ravenous.) I'm not sure what to say about that, really. Just felt like jotting it down here.

Occasional Gym Recap

Today I asked Jeev, under the assumption that I get back to going to the gym four days a week (a rather serious assumption, to be sure), how long it would take me to be able to run a 5k. He said three to four months, which sounds ridiculously optimistic to me, but it also means I have a goal to work toward.

And man, did I work today. High-knee jogging in place, jogging on the treadmill at various speeds (but only for, like, 45 seconds at a time), kettle ball swings, jump-squats, bouncy plank positions, and more. I definitely feel worked out (or perhaps just over) tonight.

My food habits are gradually increasing, but it's been tough due to an often crippling bout of depression. I think I'm coming out of it, but it's so hard to tell. But I do know that I'm tired of reminding myself of that line from a Jewel song: "...looked like a potato stuffed into jeans." Boo!

Running to Stand Still

Not literally running, of course. I'd considered titling this post "one step forward, one step back," but thought making a U2 reference was more snazzy. Or something.

Anyway, a couple things: first, I cancelled Nutrisystem. I've lost a fair amount of weight, but truth be told I have so much food left over that I'll technically still be on Nutrisystem for at least another month. Which is fine. My husband is looking forward to cooking more, and we've both learned a lot about portion control. My real issue will be lunch - I really suck at making decent lunches - but I think we'll be able to find some kind of reasonable substitute. There are plenty of, for example, single-serving soups out there. I'll find something I like.

Second, I cancelled my gym membership. I had mixed feelings about this, but in the end it just made sense. My main reason is because of my ankle. I got the results from my MRI last week and learned that I have tears in my lateral collateral ligament in two places, as well as multiple partial tears in the deep tissue of the deltoid ligament. I unfortunately couldn't get an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon until June 20, and if he decides surgery is the best route then I will be on crutches for the rest of the summer at least. It's not worth going to the gym just to do arms; I can use my kettle bells for that.

I could have just suspended my membership for a few months, but there's also the possibility of my life making a drastic change this summer, which would necessitate quitting this gym anyway. If things turn out not to happen the way I'm sort of expecting them to, I can always sign up with another gym in the area. I liked this one because it's comfortable and close to work, but it's also more expensive than other options.

I'd like to also mention that both Nutrisystem and my gym (Sport & Health) let me cancel easily and immediately. I had absolutely no trouble whatsoever.

Weigh-in and Confessions

I neither lost nor gained this past week, which is actually pretty impressive considering it was my birthday weekend and we went out to eat three times.

This morning, when stopping at Dunkin' Donuts for some coffee, I purchased an apple fritter. I don't know why I did it. I wasn't hungry, and it's not like I'd been craving apple fritters. But I bought it, and I ate it, and I'm terrified I'm falling back into my old habits. Sigh.

Small Victories

Friday was my first truly difficult day, diet-wise. I honestly could not decide if I'd rather lose weight or eat a doughnut. I was good, but the urge to throw in the towel was unexpectedly strong.

Yesterday my husband and I went out to eat. He was craving meat - specifically burgers - so we decided to see what we could get at Red Robin, intending to order a burger and replace the fries with a salad. It turns out they have on their menu something called a "Lettuce-Wrap Your Burger." Here's the description from the site:

A juicy beef burger topped with red onions, fresh tomatoes and Cheddar cheese all nestled between cool lettuce. Served with a side salad and balsamic vinaigrette dressing.

So we ordered that. And you know what? It was delicious. It satisfied our burger craving without too much guilt and we still got plenty of vegetables with our lunch.

I don't like special ordering at restaurants. I don't mind replacing the occasional side dish but asking for "no bun" or "no mayonnaise" and then having to check when the food arrives to see if they actually did it - well, that's not just my bag. I was so pleased to see they had something already on the menu for folks who didn't want the temptation of fries and a big old bun. Sure, this was clearly geared toward folks on Atkins or South Beach, but I'll take it.

Hungry McGrumplesaur Awakes

I am so starving. I could barely wait until 11am to eat lunch. I would switch my afternoon snack to morning except that I need to eat something right before going to the gym after work. So I just suffer. Hmmph.

Of course, I'm probably a special case, because I'm one of those people who can eat pretty much nonstop between breakfast and lunch, but then am almost never tempted to snack in the afternoon or evening, both of which are written into this program.

This past weekend was somewhat momentous, so I thought I'd share.

Saturday

• My husband and I went out to eat for the first time since starting Nutrisystem. We had Mexican food (Guadalajara in Charlottesville, VA), where we both ordered the chicken fajitas. They came with Spanish rice and refried beans, and of course there were chips and salsa on the table. I ate zero chips (!!) and only ate half my meal (and only one of the two tortillas). I did have all of my refried beans, because those are a special favorite of mine, but while I felt fuller than I have since starting Nutrisystem, I ate considerably less than usual and was not hungry.
  
• That evening was tough, though, because it was a party where people brought goodies. I purposely brought a veggie tray with no dip, so I had something to mindlessly munch on while chatting with people. I tried a little of most of the dishes, eating more than I should've, but far less than I normally would've. I also skipped all the crackers and chips (a special victory because Doritos and Tostitos are my favorites!).
  
• Near the end of the evening I was going to try a death bar (this amazing-looking/smelling dessert bar that appeared to be made from chocolate chip cookies, peanuts, and joy). My husband said I shouldn't, and I resentfully threw it in the trash. I was not happy, but at least I didn't succumb out of spite. :)

Sunday

• I had to spend most of the day out on the town. I packed one of my ready-to-eat Nutrisystem lunches (a chocolate peanut butter bar) and figured since one of my errands was right near a Whole Foods, I'd try out their salad bar. Despite being sorely tempted by loads of delicious-looking dishes, I stuck to the veggies and a light balsamic dressing. And I was full enough after that I didn't bust out the bar until about an hour later (though I was definitely hungry by that point).
  
• Later that afternoon, after tromping around DC for 3 nonstop hours, we stopped at a Starbucks to hit the bathroom. They had the most amazing-looking apple fritters, and I was hungry. But I didn't have one.

Today

• I was exhausted when I woke up this morning and was tempted to run through the McDonald's drive-thru just to get a large soda, but knew I'd be too tempted by my beloved sausage burritos, so I skipped it.
  
• In the office kitchen were all kinds of goodies: cucumber sandwiches, chocolate cake, scones, chocolate-pumpkin Bundt cake, and chocolate covered strawberries. I sat and stared at them on multiple occasions but managed not to actually put anything into my mouth.

Tonight I start the First Day to 5k program (again). Here's hoping my knees cooperate.

More Food Babble

Yesterday was difficult on the diet front. I woke up absolutely ravenous, and breakfast barely quieted my stomach. Work was the same as ever, but about two hours after dinner I was so freaking starving that I picked my dessert based entirely on its size (yay pound cake) and then practically inhaled it.

Today has gone much better.

I don't know how much weight one needs to lose before clothing starts to fit differently. I do know I shouldn't expect to lose more rapidly than a pound or two a week, meaning I'll hit my goal weight anywhere between this coming October and May of next year.

Talking to my sister helps, since she shares my genes and went through this process several years ago. I suspect she didn't lose nearly as much weight as I need to (I have roughly 70 pounds to go) but she understands the struggle.

So far the main lesson I am learning from Nutrisystem is to make the vegetable the largest part of the meal. For most meals we start with a biggish salad (with no cheese - a major change for me) and treat the Nutrisystem entree more or less as a side dish. It's a good thing we like salad, but I'd die if I hadn't found a dressing I like (Newman's Own light raspberry walnut vinaigrette).

The categorization of foods surprised me: carrots count as vegetables, while peas and garbanzo beans are carbs.

I've been crap when it comes to exercising this week. Mainly I worry that increasing the number of calories I burn each day will make it just that much harder to adjust to this dramatic decrease in calories consumed. (Okay, that's a lie: mainly I only want to deal with one thing at a time, and this diet is a hell of a one thing.) I do, however, plan to start running again on Monday.

Upcoming challenges:

• Doughnut Day. Every Friday morning my office provides free doughnuts, bagels, and muffins. I am weak in the face of pastry. However, I have a plan: one of my breakfasts on the plan is a chocolate muffin, so I'll bring that to work and eat it when everybody else is eating their Friday morning goodies. Luckily, the baked goods are one floor down, so I won't even see them unless I make a special trip.
  
• Saturday: going out to lunch with a friend. This will be our first meal out since starting the program. Not sure how I'll handle this one yet; it'll really depend on where we go. Luckily, the friend we're seeing is a Weight Watchers alumnus, so I have high hopes that he won't derail us by insisting we go out for pizza. :)

Further Adventures with Nutrisystem

Shortly after lunch yesterday I started having tummy unhappiness, which later evolved into severe abdominal pain and nausea. The mere idea of food did not appeal to me in the slightest, so I only ate my Nutrisystem entree for dinner, and later my dessert, skipping the extra stuff (veggies, fruits, and fats). It felt like someone had set fire to my stomach lining, but I am disinclined to blame this on the Nutrisystem food. I don't have what you might call a sensitive digestive system. Considering I've felt like I'm fighting off something for the last couple weeks, I think this stomach bug is just coincidence. After all, the stomachache came with a headache, and last night I slept for nearly 11 hours - and could have slept longer had my alarm not gone off.

The nausea and headache linger on today, but at least the stomach pain is gone for the time being. Breakfast (Nutrisystem breakfast burrito, blueberries, and light vanilla soymilk) does not seem to have affected my condition, so I am feeling optimistic.

Nutrisystem, Day 1

Today is my first day on Nutrisystem. (No, I'm not going to post every day, but this is kind of a momentous occasion, you know?) I had cereal with banana slices on top for breakfast (and discovered I actually shorted myself half a serving of protein, but that's okay), then for lunch I had a chicken quesadilla, yogurt, and more vegetables than I'd expected. I'm supposed to have two servings of veggies, but I didn't realize a serving of grape tomatoes was a full cup! Likewise with the green pepper. Dinner calls for two veggies and a fruit, and though I had enough peppers and tomatoes to make a single serving between them, I'll have to stop by the grocery store after work to pick up something else.

While my stomach is rather unhappy at the moment (probably because of the abnormally large amount of fresh vegetables I had with lunch), I haven't felt unusually hungry. I'm trying to figure out how to work my afternoon snack, since I'm really not hungry right now and I'll probably be eating dinner in the office around 5:00 since I want to be in Alexandria (about 30 miles from here, fighting DC afternoon rush) well before 7:00.

All in all, I think this is a totally doable meal plan, as I don't feel like I'm really denying myself anything. By the way, I'd also like to mention that we had a Valentine's Day party at work, with tons of delicious-looking homemade cupcakes and cookies and stuff, and I didn't eat any. Go me! :D

Pre-Nutrisystem Thoughts

So last night we ordered our first month of Nutrisystem. It was my husband's idea, actually: between his recent 37th birthday and friends losing weight and both of us struggling for so many years, he realized that we clearly can't do it on our own. We've tried a lot of approaches, from South Beach to food diaries to just making healthy changes to our meals. And still we stay fat, because while we know in our heads what portions we're supposed to be eating, it's hard to translate that to the plate, both realistically (understanding exactly what an ounce looks like) and personally (that is, having the willpower to limit our own portions). The idea behind Nutrisystem is that they do the calorie-counting and portion-control for you. Our plan is to do this for a few months (or however long it takes), get our weights down, and most importantly, pay attention to what and how much we're eating.

When we go off the plan, which we inevitably will (though who knows how long it'll be), we'll have a better visual understanding of portions and our stomachs will have shrunk so it takes less food to fill us up. Let's face it: it's really difficult to stop eating before you're full (or the plate is clean, whichever comes first). Since we'll be full faster (and presumably happy enough with our bodies that we're more careful about what we eat - it's easy to binge when you're already fat anyway), we should naturally eat less. It's all about creating habits.

The biggest change for my husband will be not eating the same thing every day (he has OCD, so routine is very important to him), while for me it will be not going out to eat for a while. Yes, the program comes with a dining guide, but it'll be easier to just stay in. I also anticipate being sad on Fridays for a while, when my office provides free doughnuts and bagels.

Despite all this, I am confident. The food is provided, so I don't have to just rely on my own (very limited) willpower. Maybe I won't drop 30 pounds in the first two months like my husband's friend, but I hope to see some sort of improvement. I'll still go to the gym, of course - that's my precious me-time - but diet is like 80% of the equation.

Our first shipment is supposed to arrive in about three days. I think I'll go eat one last Mexican Pizza from Taco Bell.

Back from the Dead

Okay, so I've been slacking a bit on this whole blogging (and weight-losing) thing. You'll notice I haven't posted any victories lately. That's because there haven't really been any to speak of. I've been tired and eating like crap because of it, and then this past weekend I caught The Crud that's been going around, and was more or less bedridden for three days straight.

I'm still a little sniffly, but I seem to be on the mend, so it's time to get back into the swing of things. Unfortunately, this does not include the gym this week, since I've been sleeping so poorly and do not want to risk running myself down again so soon, but there are other things I can do. Like pay attention to what I'm eating.

In related news, my sister gave me a gift subscription to Self Magazine. I told her I'd actually read it and not just draw the models. ;) Seriously, though, I'm hoping it's good motivation. If nothing else, I can use the workout tips for some variety at the gym.

Tonight is the weekly weigh-in, and I'll be shocked if I haven't gained more weight back. See, this is what happens: I'm all excited for a week or two, then I go back to my old habits. It's discouraging. How do I regain my momentum?

Victories 1/13/11

• My coworker brought in homemade cupcakes and offered them to the group. Later he offered them to me specifically. I declined both times.
  
• The 2-liter was Coke was still in the office kitchen, tempting me, at the same level as when I first saw it. I dumped it out and took the cap for the Coke Rewards code.
  
• I was on my own for dinner, and I could have easily gone out and gotten fast food. But no, I had leftovers from last night.

All-in-One 1/12/11

Got lots to report, so I figured I might as well put it all in one mega-post.

First: the weekly weigh-in. I've been dreading this.

Weight change this week: -1
Weight change so far in 2011: -6

Second: victories!

• There were two mostly-finished 2-liters of soda in the office kitchen up for grabs: one Diet Coke, one regular Coke. I really like regular Coke (and finishing it off would have meant I could keep the Coke Rewards points), but I only took the Diet Coke.
  
• I wanted a midmorning snack, preferably something in the pastry food group. I had coffee.
  
• I wanted a snack pretty much immediately after lunch, but instead waited until right before I left for the gym, when I had a packet of oatmeal to sustain me through my workout.

Third: gym recap.

Format: exercise - reps x sets - weight - notes (if applicable)

• pull-ups - 5x3 - 112lb counterweight - arms out - Oddly easy again. I dunno.
  
• dips - 12x3 - 112lb counterweight
  
• abdominal crunch machine - 50x2 - 35 lbs
  
• lower back machine - 50x2 - 35 lbs - this is basically a reverse crunch
  
• hip adduction - 15x3 - 90 lbs
  
• hip abduction - 15x3 - 90 lbs
  
• lat pull-downs - 12x3 - 62.5 lbs
  
• lawnmower pulls with free weights - 12x3/arm - 15lbs/arm - no idea what this is really called.
  
• calf machine - 12x3 - 100 lbs
  
• squat machine - 12x3 - 90lbs

The real challenge will be this weekend. My husband won't be around to cook nutritious meals for me, and I'm kind of helpless on my own. Will I be able to resist the siren song of fast food? Only time will tell.

Victories 1/11/11

• Really wanted McDonald's breakfast this morning. Ate breakfast at home.
  
• There was nummy home-made chocolate chip banana cake in the kitchen this morning. I held out until 10am, by which point I was genuinely hungry, and then cut the thinnest sliver I could manage. (And, I admit, partially justified it by noting that I skipped my usual banana with breakfast this morning.) (Because we were out of bananas, not because I was being virtuous.)
  
• When I got home, I was ravenous, but instead of gorging on chips (like I kind of wanted to), I had a handful of peanuts and raisins.
  
• After dinner I felt hungry again within 20 minutes. But I didn't snack. This is a Pretty Big Deal for me because I honestly felt it in my stomach, not just in my head, but I don't need calories right before bedtime.

Man, this is working so much better for me than a food diary. I'd rather boast about my victories than feel like a criminal for every morsel. Positive reinforcement FTW! :D

Tomorrow's the weekly weigh-in. Deep breaths.

Number Crunching

Logged into LiveStrong for the first time in months to see how many calories I'd consumed so far today. It's not looking good. Breakfast alone is 600 calories, though I'm not as concerned about front-loading since (a) I have more conscious hours to burn it off and (b) if I don't have a big breakfast I spend my morning hours miserably hungry. And considering I load up with protein first thing and then have some appetite-suppressing (and awake-making) caffeine, I'm usually more or less okay until lunch. (Usually, I say, because I honestly could eat nonstop between my alarm going off and lunchtime, and it is pure willpower that keeps me from doing so. And then there are some days when I am just a bottomless pit for no apparent reason.)

Today I was surprised to find myself famished at 10am, so I had a single packet of plain oatmeal sweetened with two packets of honey. That's nearly 200 calories alone. Which I guess isn't the most horrible of snacks, but I guess I just didn't expect it to be quite that much. And I refuse to use artificial sweeteners in my oatmeal. Not only would it taste grody, I ingest more than my fair share of chemicals with my soda addiction, thank you very much.

(I was pleased to discover that my coffee, which is actually just a vaguely coffee-flavored confection, is only 70 calories.)

My standard lunch is just under 400 calories, leaving me well over 700 calories (of 2000) for dinner, provided I don't snack this afternoon, which I usually don't (but might since I'm going to the gym after work). So I guess it's not all bad.

See, this is the reason I don't do food diaries. I don't like obsessing over every little thing I put in my mouth. I know that's part of the reason I'm fat, but counting calories doesn't make me feel powerful or in control or anything like that. It makes me feel annoyed. Eventually I get so frustrated with the tedium that I ignore the diary completely and eat whatever I want - or even more than I want. And that's no good.

I know I've been posting to this blog a lot over the last couple days, but that's what it's for: this is a place for me to obsess over diet and exercise without clogging up my regular blog. Nobody has to read it.